Terms and Conditions
Effective 2 November 2026. Last amended: not yet, but we are prepared.
1. Definitions and Interpretation
1.1 In these Terms and Conditions (the “Terms”), unless the context otherwise requires: “the House” means Maison Ouden, its successors, assigns and any person who may at some future time be deemed to have been it; “Gift” means any item, experience or sentiment listed in the collection, each of which consists of Nothing; “Nothing” bears its ordinary meaning, save where its ordinary meaning would be inconvenient to the House; “Parcel” means the hyperlink generated on the Sender’s device in respect of a Gift; “Sender” means the person who personalises and dispatches a Parcel; “Recipient” means the person who opens it; and “Own Devices” means the Sender’s own device, own browser, own email account, own messaging service, own data plan and own judgement.
1.2 Headings are for convenience only and shall not affect interpretation. Words importing the singular include the plural and, where the Gift is Nothing, the nil.
2. Acceptance
2.1 By selecting, personalising, previewing, copying, forwarding or otherwise being in the vicinity of a Gift, you irrevocably and unconditionally accept these Terms, whether or not you have read them, which the House acknowledges is likely.
2.2 If you do not accept these Terms, you are invited to leave the House quietly, which the House will regard as the correct and traditional response.
3. Nature of the Goods
3.1 Each Gift is supplied as Nothing, of satisfactory quality, fit for the purpose of Nothing, and as described. The House warrants the absence of any defect in the Gift on the ground that there is no Gift in which a defect could reside.
3.2 Gifts marked “Complimentary*” are provided free of charge. The asterisk refers to the proposition that terms apply. The terms are these Terms. These Terms are also nothing, in the sense that they have no bearing on your life in any respect that a reasonable person would notice.
3.3 Options (including size, duration, vintage and delivery) are selected for ceremonial purposes only. The House makes no representation that a Gift of “Enormous” size is larger than a Gift of “Small” size, nor that either is visible from space.
4. Dispatch by the Sender, on the Sender’s Own Devices
4.1 The House does not send anything. The House prepares a Parcel and a suggested form of words on the Sender’s own device. It is the Sender, and only the Sender, who copies, pastes, addresses, transmits and dispatches the same using the Own Devices.
4.2 The Sender acknowledges and agrees that: (a) the Own Devices are the Sender’s own responsibility; (b) the House is not a party to any email, message, post, carrier pigeon or other transmission; (c) the House has no knowledge of, access to, or interest in the Recipient’s name, address, number or whereabouts; and (d) the deliverability of the Parcel, including its treatment by spam filters, out-of-office responders and the Recipient’s sense of humour, is entirely outside the control of the House.
4.3 The Sender undertakes to use the suggested form of words with discretion, to amend it where it would be false, and not to send a Parcel to any person who would reasonably be alarmed to receive Nothing from a house of this character.
5. Messages Are Not Reviewed
5.1 The Sender may enter names and a short note (the “Message”). The Message is not checked, reviewed, moderated, filtered, approved, stored or transmitted by the servers of the House, which never see it. The Message exists solely within the Parcel and on the devices of those who handle it.
5.2 The Sender is solely responsible for the Message and warrants that it is not unlawful, defamatory, abusive, threatening, deceptive, infringing, or in any other respect unworthy of a house of this character. The House cannot remove, correct or recall a Message, since it does not hold one.
5.3 Any person in possession of a Parcel may open it and read the Message. The Sender should therefore write nothing in the Message that the Sender would not wish to be read by the Recipient, the Recipient’s colleagues, or an unusually curious uncle.
6. The Parcel and its Persistence
6.1 A Parcel remains valid for so long as the House continues to exist and retains the relevant Gift in its collection. The House may at any time, without notice, withdraw, rename or reformulate any Gift, in which event the Recipient will be informed, with regret and without apology, that the item is no longer in stock.
6.2 The House cannot cancel, revoke or expire a Parcel, having no record of it. The Parcel may be opened any number of times, by any number of persons, at any number of moments of the Recipient’s choosing.
7. The Ceremony
7.1 The Recipient participates in the unboxing ceremony at the Recipient’s own risk, in the Recipient’s own time and in the Recipient’s own surroundings.
7.2 Where the Gift includes premium silence, the House supplies the silence on an as-is basis and does not warrant the absence of ambient noise, neighbours, traffic, appliances, or coughs. In respect of any period of silence stated to continue “until someone coughs”, the House accepts no liability for the identity of the person who coughs, nor for the awkwardness that follows.
8. Disclaimer and Limitation of Liability
8.1 To the fullest extent permitted by applicable law, the House provides the service “as is” and “as available”, and disclaims all warranties, express, implied, statutory or imagined, including merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose, and fitness for any purpose whatsoever.
8.2 To the fullest extent permitted by applicable law, the aggregate liability of the House to the Sender, the Recipient and any third party, whether in contract, tort (including negligence), breach of statutory duty or otherwise, shall not exceed the price paid for the Gift, being nothing, and the House shall in no event be liable for loss of profit, loss of data, loss of composure, hurt feelings, disappointment, or the sensation of emptiness, whether or not foreseeable.
8.3 Nothing in these Terms excludes or limits liability that cannot lawfully be excluded or limited, including liability for death or personal injury caused by negligence, or for fraud. Where the law does not permit a limitation above, that limitation applies only to the extent the law does permit it.
9. Intellectual Property
9.1 The name, wordmark, monogram, designs, texts and ceremonial sequences of the House are reserved. Nothing itself is not capable of ownership and is held by the House in trust for everyone.
9.2 The Sender retains whatever rights the Sender has in the Message, and grants the House no licence, since the House never receives the Message.
10. Operation of the Site
10.1 The House is operated on the infrastructure of CrazyProjects.dev and delivered to you by a third-party hosting provider. The House is not responsible for the availability, speed or philosophy of that infrastructure. Information about how personal information is handled appears in the Privacy Policy, which is brief.
11. General Provisions
11.1 Severability. If any provision of these Terms is held to be invalid or unenforceable, that provision shall be enforced to the maximum extent permissible and the remainder shall continue in force.
11.2 Entire agreement. These Terms constitute the entire agreement between the parties concerning Nothing and supersede all prior understandings, if any, which there were not.
11.3 No waiver. Failure by the House to enforce any provision is not a waiver of it. Failure by the House to enforce any provision for an extended period is also not a waiver, and is not a mood.
11.4 Force majeure. The House shall not be liable for any delay or failure caused by events beyond its reasonable control, including acts of silence, acts of God, acts of Parliament, and acts of the Recipient’s spam filter.
11.5 Amendment. The House may amend these Terms at any time by amending this page. Continued use after amendment constitutes acceptance. The Sender is advised to re-read these Terms at every opportunity, which the House considers unlikely.
11.6 Governing law. These Terms are governed by the laws of the jurisdiction in which the Sender resides, save where mandatory law provides otherwise, and the courts of that jurisdiction shall have non-exclusive jurisdiction. Nothing in these Terms affects the statutory rights of any consumer.
Schedule 1: Statement in Plain Terms (non-binding)
This site generates a link. You send it yourself, using your own email or messaging. We never see your note or anyone’s name, and we do not check, store or send your message. We take no responsibility for what you write, or for who you send it to. The gifts are, and remain, nothing. Do be kind.